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My gut ached and I felt hollow inside. Empty. I loved both of them, but differently. I didn't look at Candy and feel the same way I did when I looked at Tiffany, but trying to describe those feelings seemed impossible. They don't make words like that. Tiffany was like ... air. Always there, you know? I needed her. She felt like a part of the world. A part of me. I loved her without thinking about it.But Candy ... I loved her because she wasn't part of anything. I didn't have to go looking for air, but Candy was like something I had to catch in my heart and hold onto. She didn't belong to me and that made her special. I always felt like I had to be careful around her. She made me want to say the right things and not look stupid or do anything dumb. I expected Tiffany to like me, but I could only want Candy to like me and that's a huge difference.I knew Candy still loved me, but she didn't like me anymore. I'd never thought being liked could be that important."Lie down ... Take these. I recognized that this could never happen and had toappreciate the time I had to experience these feelings.Grace continued to text me every night while she was away and continuedto complain about all the dinners and parties she had to attend. A fewnights she had to spend the evening with one of the players alonebecause the client had to cancel their trip. She said she didn't mindit as much as he was a nice guy and fun to be with, unlike the clientso it wasn't horrible. Of course, being on another continent while yourhot wife is having drinks and dinner with a Pro Athlete could wear onyou unless you were dressed in a sexy cute dress-wearing thigh highstockings and super cute high heels. No, I didn't care that she wasalone with some guy and even pleased that she was having fun because itmade me feel less guilty, as I dressed and self-indulged more often. Myguilt was gone and all that was left was happiness and pleasure.I still treated Grace special when she came home and re-established.
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